In the midst of a global pandemic and a nationwide look into the mirror to see how our systems are designed to shut people out, it feels selfish to focus on personal matters. And yet, while all of this external tumult swirls around, personal struggles and tragedies continue and gain more poignancy.
I have lost a family member this year, and I know that I could lose more. Not because of COVID-19, but because of more mundane calamities like heart disease and cancer.
My co-workers and I have lost quite a few of our colleagues to cancer in the past couple of years. I don’t think I’ve ever really allowed myself to mourn all that loss, brief eulogies posted on Facebook notwithstanding. I realized over the last month that all of that pent-up grief is dragging like a heavy chain tied around my waist.
So I am in a quiet place right now, taking some time to meditate and maybe just to finally bawl my eyes out. Then I can take time to remind myself that I was lucky to have the time I had with everyone. I am a better person because of them all, and I hope I can live up to their legacies. I feel like I still have a lot of work to do, so I need to give myself permission to move on first.